You are my salvation
by g-na-1358
Summary: Eren is far from being fine. (Self-harm, alcohol, modern au; part of a series)


**A/N:** Fourth part of a series: You will always be my-; Angel; You are the one; You're my salvation.

As in You are the one, title is taken from Epik High's One ( www . youtube watch?v=OpTKLNjUdwQ )

* * *

Eren was leaning heavily on the railing of Levi's apartment's balcony when Levi found him after arriving home to a seemingly empty apartment, save for the single shot glass next to a bottle of vodka and a half empty bottle of gin on the coffee table, which he could swear was unopened just yesterday.

Eren didn't acknowledge the new presence in the tiny space at first, not even when Levi called his name carefully; didn't react besides the visible tensing of his shoulders and gulping down the rest of the clear liquid in his glass, so Levi stood behind him and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's waist.

Eren finally said something after long minutes of silence. And suddenly, Levi wanted to cry. "Why haven't I jumped yet?"

Levi's hold tightened so much the man was worried he'd crush the love of his life.

"What happened?" he asked quietly, forcing his voice to stay steady.

"I failed the test." Eren chuckled bitterly before continuing, "Guess hoping for a miracle doesn't always work, huh?"

"Eren... That's not..." Levi tried soothingly, rubbing circles into Eren's skin. "You still have-"

"I still have another 2 make-up tests; I freaking _know_ , okay?" Eren all but shouted before breaking into sobs, hiding his head in his folded arms, almost dropping the empty glass.

Levi honestly didn't understand what the brunet was so upset about. He still could pass if he studied some more for the next try and either way – everyone knew this particular exam was difficult. Even Levi, being now in a completely different department, heard about it. He knew he shouldn't ask though so he opted to just wait. At this point Eren was bound to blow up and spill whatever came to his mind sooner or later.

And he was right. Soon Eren was half-shouting, desperately trying to keep his voice at a reasonable level, "You know, the stupid exam wasn't even that difficult. I knew that when I saw the questions. If I just _bothered_ to at least _look_ at those fucking materials! If I did, I know I could have passed pretty easily! But _nooo_ , I'd rather just hate myself for not doing anything instead of actually studying. It's happening all over again, Levi! I'm doomed to fuck up everything I try to do, doomed to not finishing any school, and working at McDonald's for the rest of my miserable, pathetic, disappointing excuse for a life! I really should have done it when I had the chance. I can't do even that prop-"

Levi couldn't take it. He spun Eren around and silenced him with a desperate kiss. "Don't say that..." he whispered in a broken voice. " _Please;_ I beg of you. Don't ever say that. Don't ever _think_ that. I'll help you study for the next test and the one after that and all the others. Whatever you need. Just please, stop berating yourself like this."

Eren shook his head violently. "You _can't_. _I_ can't! You have enough work yourself I can't force you to do _my_ work as well! God, I'm just a bigger and bigger burden to you each day..." Eren paused, covering his eyes with his hand. "Shit... Fuck, _shit_ , sorry, I... I should just leave."

Eren made an attempt to escape the moment the words were out of his mouth but Levi's reflexes were quicker than Eren's undeniably drunk self.

"You're not going anywhere, kid," he growled, sounding almost angry now as he grabbed Eren's arm firmly. He pretty much had it with Eren's hate for himself. Eren was smart and beautiful and funny and _perfect._ He didn't deserve to be treated like this. Not by anybody. Not even his own self.

 _Especially_ not his own self.

Eren stumbled from being forcefully brought to a stop, the amount of alcohol in his system definitely not helping with his balance in any way. Once he steadied himself, he turned around with an angry look of his own. He glared at his boyfriend fiercely. "I'm trying to do you a fucking favor here so just let me fucking go." His tone was icy and furious even though his words slurred slightly. He didn't seem that drunk, really, he didn't even _feel_ drunk. But then again, he _did_ have god knows how many shots of vodka followed by half a bottle of gin. That had to show _somewhere_ if not in helping with silencing his negative thoughts.

Levi's grip only tightened. "One," he shot back with irritation, "you are too fucking drunk to go _anywhere_ further than the bathroom and then my bed. Two," his voice was getting quieter, yet more dangerous with each word, "if you leave, you will be doing anything _but_ a favor to me."

"Why can't you understand?!" Eren screamed, tears now gathering in his eyes. "I'm just a bother to you! Your life will be so much easier and happier when I'm not around! I'm just making more problems for everyone! Just admit you can't stand me already and we can get this over with!"

Levi froze, staring at Eren in barely concealed shock. His grip on the other's arm tightened painfully, making sure to leave a bruise tomorrow, but Eren didn't even wince. He couldn't feel it, the vodka working hand in hand with the gin in numbing his pain receptors.

"Either let me go or fucking _say_ something," Eren growled instead, tugging at his hand.

Levi didn't budge, his gaze only fell dumbly towards where his knuckles were turning white around his boyfriend's arm. That's when he noticed the splash of red. Eren was only wearing a T-shirt, not bothering to hide his forearms, and so it was now on display for everyone to see. There were fresh cuts, some obviously at least a few hours old wile others still bleeding. Levi's breath hitched but he didn't say anything. Knew better by now than provoke Eren when he was like this. When they wake up tomorrow, when he brings his love a breakfast to bed and pampers him after this particularly rough night, they can talk. Not now.

Now he only loosens his grasp to let his hand slide to grip at Eren's, lacing their fingers together. He raises his other hand slowly, tentatively, before brushing at the other's cheek and tracing the tear stains, dry and wet alike, carefully. He looks Eren straight in the eyes before whispering softly, "I love you."

A beat passes, then two.

And then Eren breaks, crumpling to the floor of the balcony in a sobbing, uncontrolable mess and Levi can only hug him close, repeating those words again and again, long after Eren falls asleep.

* * *

That's how Hanji finds them a good while later, still on the balcony, Eren curled up a ball and asleep in Levi's arms, and Levi himself sitting on the floor with his back leaned onto the wall, absentmindedly stroking the brown mop on his shoulder while staring into the distance and grinding his teeth.

Hanji doesn't say a word as she collects the barely-saved glass sitting by the balcony door and the bottles on the coffee table before returning back with two blankets and two shots of vodka. She sits down next to Levi, offering him one of each.

Levi throws the blanket over Eren before taking the glass and gulping it's contents down immediately.

They sit there together for hours, silently watching the sun set and the city lights come on.

Levi absentmindedly thinks the scenery is quite beautiful at night.

* * *

 **A/N:** Yeah, nothing's fixed yet. Wonder if it ever will be...

(I was in a similar state to Eren's while writing this and I refuse to proof read it later for I-think-obvious reasons, so pleas, do excuse any typose/grammar mistakes/whatever.)


End file.
